By Danny Horgan, Publisher of TheAwesomeCave.com
Hipsters are the single biggest problem in America today. As I wrote in my article on anti-hipster music and how to avoid being a hipster, hipsters are, by definition, a slimy, foul breed with a poor sense of hygiene and an inability to think for themselves.
Today, Cave Dwellers, I share with you the seven most annoying things about hipsters. And before you read, keep this important fact in mind: A squirrel could crawl up the pant leg of a hipster male and come out the other side still hungry.
Before reading, please see The Awesome Cave’s satire/hyperbole disclaimer
7. Their “taste” in music
Here’s a fact about hipsters that will blow your mind — they don’t actually like the music they listen to.
Most people listen to music because it’s fun. The sounds of their favorite bands give them adrenaline or relaxation to get through the day. Hipsters, contrarily, find the world’s most ear-wrenching, unheard of acoustic douchebags at basement shows and listen to them just so they can claim some level of musical exclusivity.
And it’s pretty obnoxious how hipsters all flock to the same handful of mainstream bands. Take Crystal Castles for example. The Canadian duo, who blends very experimental lo-fi noises with harsh vocals, is talented, but the only reason they’re as popular as they are is because of their social status with hipsters. I have friends who have been listening to Crystal Castles since 2006. But most of them come from a thrash, screamo, and heavily distorted electronic music background. They’re used to the crazy noises Crystal Castles makes. But most hipsters who claim to like the band are the same tight jeans and flannel-wearing weirdos who listen to Bon Iver and Florence and The Machine. I don’t buy it.
(And we all know that in the privacy of their own seedy apartments, hipsters rock out to Nickelback and Baha Men.)
6. Their being vegan yet polluting the environment with cigarette smoke
As UFC middleweight great Chael Sonnen once said, being vegan is just an excuse to be a snob. But that’s aside from the point. If you want to pull the whole “I’m-morally-superior-because-you-eat-meat-and-I-don’t” card, don’t walk down the street puffing self-rolled cigarette smoke into the faces of babies and nuns. In doing so, you’re causing 10 times the damage to the environment than diesel fuel. And you LOVE the environment!FACEBOOK